User talk:VxAbbyNekoxV
EmpyrealInvective (talk) 12:08, April 15, 2017 (UTC) Re: Story Starting with the basics that don't really pertain to a story's deletion but are still important to know, you need to put a complete line between your paragraphs otherwise wiki will condense them all together like it did for a majority of your story. "I opened the suitcase. I screamed. It was my family." Additionally having a one line paragraph is effective once in a while, but using it fifteen times one after another dulls its effectiveness and ends up feeling more like padding than adding emphasis to lines. While I am glad you proofread it and I only found a couple of issues ("It looked like my brothers' (should be singular) hand but I wasn't sure." A lot of fragmented sentences that give the story a start-and-stop feel: "A dark room.", "The man laughed.", "He laughed at my tears.", etc. As well as some punctuation issues. "A voice spoke to me somewhere in the darkness :(space not needed)", "He handed me the suitcase and said two words.(:)"), but the real issue lied in the story itself. Story issues: Starting with the basics, a lot of the descriptive elements feel really bland. Lines like: "I looked up, and saw my brother. His hand wasn't attached to him." and "The blood spilled out from their eyes." feel like they're missing a lot of their effectiveness as it doesn't really build up the character or the scene. Additionally eye bleeding is an overused trope in most stories that focuses on eyes. Additionally the 'you may be next'-style ending really doesn't feel effective here. ("So do be careful, reader. He might just be watching.") Story issues cont.: "I clambered desperately for my brother's dismembered hand. I grabbed it and heaved my body up on top of the strange room, startled. I shoved the hand of my brother down the pit and searched for a hammer." I feel like a line was missing here, why exactly did they grab the dismembered hand and then pitch it without any reason given? Why was having the hand in their possession integral to the plot? Story issues cont.: I'm also wondering how they were able to seal the entrance if they broke through it originally ("I found one after a while, in one of the kitchen drawers. I blocked it off with the broken shrapnel of the floorboard."). Wouldn't that leave a large gap in the floor, how are they fixing the boards to the floor, what is the killer doing during all this time? It also seems weird that he would be able to kill the protagonist's entire family (fitting them in a suitcase as well) without alerting the protagonist at all during the murders (I mean the protagonist was able to hear them underneath the floor at the start of the story so it seems odd that the killer would be able to trap, kill, and mutilate three separate people without the protagonist hearing anything while they're waiting for their brother to get back from the kitchen. There are other issues in the plot, but I think this is enough to give you a general idea of the issues present in the story that lead to its deletion. I suggest using the writer's workshop for your next story to help you troubleshoot these issues. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 14:38, April 15, 2017 (UTC) :No problem, as I said above, the writer's workshop is a really helpful tool for getting a story feedback before uploading it to the site. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 12:25, April 16, 2017 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 12:29, April 16, 2017 (UTC)